the human mind is a very complex thing

i have not written my feature story.

the first draft is due on wednesday, sigh.

i am procrastinating because i need it to be perfect and i am afraid that it won't be.

and i know that this is silly because obviously by procrastinating i know that i'll end up with nothing at all, let alone perfection; but i guess that it just makes sense to me on some weird plane of the Rachel consciousness.

this is how my brain works during assignments:-

for the first 80% of the time, which is throughout the whole week before the deadline, i will be procrastinating (by blogging (like now), watching tv, reading, listening to music, playing games, sleeping, etc. half-heartedly) while stressing about my assignment without actually doing it.

then for 15% of the time, which is the few days before the deadline, i will be doing the assignment half-heartedly and swearing at: my lack of ideas, my lack of creativity, my sudden lapse of memory as to the house style, grammar and punctuation, my writer's block, the itch on my nose, my rumbly tummy, the sound from the TV, the phone ringing, the dogs barking, people talking to me, the mosquitoes buzzing, etc. etc. and end up not getting anything conducive or constructive done.

lastly, 5% of the time, which is at the very last minute, i will then suddenly be capable of coming up with fantastic ideas, words, sentences, etc. beyond my known ability and i before i know it i would be sailing along beautifully. i am sorry if this sounds like a big brag but seriously i surprise myself all the time, haha.

actually, this is the main reason why i procrastinate on most things.

the stupid thing now is that even though i know this i just can't get myself to skip the first 95%.

i am such a worrywart, sigh.

and sometimes i can't do this because tutors want to see "progression". i know that they mean well and are just trying to help by pushing us a little, so that students aren't stuck handing in crappy last minute work. but the thing is, all my work that aren't done at the last minute are CRAPPY, which means that i would have to redo it again later.

so they are actually making me do double work. wtf.

anyway.

i want to go and watch my tv half-heartedly now.

so yeah, to conclude, most of the things i don't do yet, is because i want them to be perfect.

other things, i just don't do because i am not fucking interested, haha.