the mind-numbing people i have to deal with in life

scene 1: while riding the LRT on my way home

ditzy-Avril-Lavigne-wannabe (ditzy): hihi! omg, rachel hor! long time no see! do you remember me ah?? we went to school together!! so good to see you hor!

me: (*no freaking clue*) erm, hello! yeah, Ampang Girls right? how are you? (*all the while trying desperately to place a name to her face*)

ditzy: ya ya, Ampunkz forever, yeah! (*acts cute*) i'm fine, fine! you leh? wah, you look very rock ah! you always like that one or what? new look ah? cos i never see you out of uniform before, hahahaha!

me: (*still no freaking clue as to who she is and getting mildly annoyed*) always been, i guess. not a "look" per se, cos it's not like i go out of the way for it, i just feel comfortable this way.

ditzy: (*confused from my usage of "per se"*) erm... oh yeah good for you hahahaha! eh, you got go see Avril Lavigne or not?? so cool lor she! she my idol la she!

me: yeah, you dress kinda like her... (*continuation in my head: "...but tak jadi"*) no, i didn't go.

ditzy: ya ya! i am into punk a lot now! aiyo, why lah, you dunno what you missing leh!

me: (*wincing at the thought that Avril Lavigne is considered "punk"*) oh okay. what sort of bands do you like? (*what's actually in my head: "niamah, thank goodness i don't have to deal with a stadium filled with people like you"*)

ditzy: Avril, of course... and Good Charlotte, and Fall Out Boy, and Panic! at the Disco, and Simple Plan... all those lah. you like them or not??

me: (*dunno whether to laugh or cry*) oh. cool. um, not particularly, no.

ditzy: (*suddenly becoming less ditzy and more cold*) oh. so what do you listen to?

me: erm. RHCP, SmashPumps, LP, Incubus, Muse, Radiohead, Placebo, Pixies, The Verve, all those lah...

ditzy: (*looks lost again*) oh, i see i see, hahaha. i only heard of LP and Muse... i like LP but they too noisy la, and Muse like no tune one, hahaha. Pixies is a girl band ah? new izzit? so cute the name!

me: (*resisting the urge to hit her*) oh, izzit? must have acquired taste lah my dear. fly-by listeners won't understand.

ditzy: ....


scene 2: discussion over my performance in my Accounting finals, by a person who constantly harasses me with sexual innuendoes

bob: so how was it? epic win or epic fail?

me: (*feeling damn emo inside*) epic fail lah. everything cannot balance, sure die one.

bob: haha, listen to old uncle, i speak the truth. easy paper. you are going to pass and then i will have to say, that's because you are a girl and you all overreact.

me: (*in my head: "fuck you lah, since when i overreact over all these things one, if i know i'll definitely pass then i won't say i'll probably fail lah, cos failing is not something that i do and it's fucking embarrassing! some more insult me by more or less calling me "one of the girls". asswipe."*) no no, not overreacting, or being modest, trust me, i'm far from it. you see ah, basic math: *insert boring calculations stating why i'd fail here*.

bob: (*obviously tak faham bahasa*) you, modest? since when... heh. ya, if cannot balance usually drop 20, haha. but then again... you're you... so, i won't bet on anything. nevermind ba, on to the next paper! onwards! TO VICTORY! at least you're not like ____, thank god that you're both so different. if both emo after exams, all four boys shoot ourselves already.

me: no use being emo, unless being emo can magically turn all my answers right. am too proud to be emo i think (*in my head: "i emo also don't emo in front of you lah. if i fail, at least i fail with dignity"*).

bob: good answer. got to go back to my advert(ising) prep(arations). later ba.

me: good luck aight.

bob: thanks, but i could do better with a good luck kiss... or even more betterer with a good luck blow...

me: (*in my head: "tiu! fucking asswipe at it again with the sexual innuendoes. fucking demeaning. you need luck with a shrink and an English tutor"*) you can meet me in your dreams. even then you will be stood up.

bob: ouch. as painful as a cock bite.


scene 3: at the taxi stand in front of Menara Maxis during a thunderstorm

me: (*standing alone for the past fifteen minutes without a taxi in sight*) aiyo...

lady: (*cuts in front of me nonchalantly*) excuse me. (*pretends i don't exist anymore*)

me: (*in my head: "DAMN YOU, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"*) sorry ma'am, but i was here first. can you please line up at the back?

lady: (*looks at me scornfully, scoffs (i kid you not), then turns her back against me*) i'm no "ma'am", okay? i'm only 25!

me: sorry about that, miss, but i was here first, can you please go to the back? (*in my head: "oh you've got to be fucking kidding me... JAHANAM. FUCKING BARBARIC. I HOPE YOU DIE A VIOLENT DEATH.*)

lady: i don't see a line. there's no one here also.

me: (*losing it - in my head: "fucking unbelievable! then what the fuck am i? mark my words, if i'm a ghost i'll make sure i go malevolent on your fat, sorry ass."*) hello, have some manners and line up, okay? don't be so thick-skinned lah.

lady: eh, don't think you know how to speak Malay fluently you are very great ah. go back to China lah if you don't like. kurang ajar.

me: (*in my head: "you're the one cutting queue and you call me kurang ajar? you're fucking retarded. and if i have to go back to China then it's only fair that you fucking leave too, give the whole land back to the Orang Asli lah."*) well, not as kurang ajar as you, at least i know how to queue.

lady: (*raises her bag, threatening to hit me*) you~!

me: anyway, if i'm 25 and i look 45, i'll shut up about the "madam" thing, then go home and weep. (*quickly leaves before getting hit for real with a fake Louis Vuitton*)